Still making the kids' lunches
every day because you think you "have to?" You may not realize it, but
that behavior could be springing from an outdated belief that it's
somehow "your job." Although rigid roles can make things more
streamlined, they can also be limiting. So give up that - and these
other 10 things - for a happier and less stressful union. By Jane Bianchi, REDBOOK.
1. Once you're married, you can't have a life of your own
"A wife used to be encouraged to tend to her husband's and children's needs first. But if you do that, you'll become resentful," says Dan Beaver, a marriage and family therapist
in Walnut Creek, CA. Then your frustration may manifest itself in
different ways, like getting depressed, snapping at people, or smoking
or drinking too much. So forget about that old-school rule, and do
something every day that makes you feel happy, relaxed and/or fulfilled,
whether that's seeing an author speak at your local bookstore, taking a
few minutes to practice a morning meditation, or going on a green juice
run sans kids. "You have to care for yourself before you can care for
others," says Beaver.
2. Pouting is an effective way to make your point
In the past, married men and women often fell into their defined
roles, rarely stopping to reveal their true emotions if something was
starting to feel "off" for fear that their partner might not understand,
or worse, would reject them for it. But now all that is changing. "I
try to help couples express themselves, even if they're worried that
they'll appear too vulnerable," says Cheryl Gerson, LCSW, a couples therapist
in New York City. In other words, if you're scared, say that out loud
to your partner. You don't have to be tough and brave all the time.
"You're human. Contrary to what you may think, admitting your fears and
doubts will actually bring you and your partner closer," says Gerson.
3. Sexual desires should never be discussed
Once you fall into a sexual routine that works fairly well, you may
fail to realize as a couple, you've likely reached only the tip of the
sexual potential iceberg. It may take some awkward conversations and
yes, you might risk some ego-bruising on both your parts, but human
sexuality is an evolving practice that requires exploration and openness
to keep growing. To minimize the chances of your partner feeling as
though he's doing something wrong, or failing to satisfy you, call this
new phase "an experiment," and say, "Tonight, I was thinking we could
try something totally different, just for fun." Read up on practices
you've never tried before, or just start from a "beginner's mind" going
with what feels good in the moment - even if it's out of your usual
comfort zone.
4. Seeing a marriage therapist is a bad sign
"Some couples think that if they admit that they're going through a rough patch, they're doomed," says Gloria Spitalny, EdD, a relationship
counselor in Boston, MA. But the opposite is true. If you don't talk
about - and try to resolve - your issues, they're only going to grow.
"The sooner a troubled couple seeks treatment, the easier it is to fix
the problems," says Spitalny. The majority of relationship struggles
aren't about incompatibility - they're issues with communication and
being unable to talk through your deepest sticking points. There's often
a way to vocalize your wants and needs without upsetting or hurting the
other person.
5. Husbands should be the sole breadwinners
Some guys are openly and proudly supportive of their wives' career
ambitions and love to see them succeed. Other men might be supportive
on the surface, but hardly realize the subtle tensions they put out
there when your professional success triggers some very deep and primal
ego-bruising - or what some call "emasculation." We're not saying you
need to give up your job to get along - that's not even an option for
most of us in this economy, and it's important to feel fulfilled by a
career. However, understanding that your husband
may be feeling this way, and being sensitive to that is half the battle
to moving forward. Circumstances may not change - and you might not
even want them to - but asking how you could make him feel better, and
truly listening are the first steps forward to figuring out this tricky
dance that, let's face it, with 40 percent of women now primary
breadwinners, many couples are choreographing.
6. Fighting means that you have an unhappy relationship
Most married folks fight every day - and by now, we know that's not a
dealbreaker. But, what about when one of you says something that feels
earth-shattering - like if he admits he hasn't been attracted to you
sexually for a long time because of your weight, or has intense feelings
for a co-worker? New forms of therapy actually suggest that this is the
first step toward a major relationship transformation that can bring
you much closer and to a place of even greater intimacy. Not all
relationships can be saved, but experts say that when you're finally
able to get totally real with one another and work on solutions from
there, you'll edge toward a kind of unconditional love that's
unbreakable despite what stones are thrown. It's going to take some
serious facing of the music on both your parts, but if you trod very
carefully, respectfully and possibly with the help of a therapist, you
could emerge not only stronger as a couple but as individuals, too - and
that's where life gets really exciting.
7. Your marriage should revolve around your children
Decades ago, parents tended to ignore their kids a lot - i.e. "Go
outside and play. Come back in an hour." These days parenting requires
more vigilance, but if you find yourself watching every move your child
is making to the point that you're sort of living through them, and
correcting or judging every step with constant feedback, you've gone too
far to the other extreme. Your husband
and children will feel this, and everyone can suffer. "I see many
husbands who feel neglected by their wives. Your marriage should come
first," says Irina Firstein, a couples therapist
in New York City. Your original motivation is out of love and wanting
to protect your brood, but many parents continue to do it because it's
easier than letting go and starting to live their own lives again, where
there's more of an unknown.
8. You're not allowed to talk about your job with your spouse
Sure, you don't want to bitch and moan about every single annoying
email your boss sent the second you walk through the door at night, but
spilling a little is actually a good idea. "You don't forget about your
workday the moment you step into the foyer. You need time to transition
from being in an office to being at home," says Beaver. "If you don't
vent a bit, your irritation might affect the way you talk to or treat
your partner in the bedroom." Just keep it to five minutes, and
encourage your husband to do the same. You'll get problems off your
chest, and it'll help you and your husband get to know each other more
deeply.
9. A marriage is between only two people
Today, plenty families don't look like the cast of Leave It To Beaver,
and we're getting used to it. Women and men often maintain friendships
with their exes and develop healthy relationships with a new mate's
children. But, it means there's more to juggle, and as a stepmom or the
like, you'll face challenges you may not have originally signed up for.
If kids are old enough, acknowledge the awkwardness to avoid it becoming
that which will not be spoken. And remember, no matter how tempting,
don't bad-mouth your husband's ex. Instead, bring up these issues in
private with concrete examples of what's bothering you, and ideas for
solutions.
10. Divorce is shameful, and if you get one, you've failed
No way! At the turn of the 20th century, only four percent of
people got divorced. Now your odds are 50/50. Of course, we'd all like
to have blissful marriages that last forever and ever, but the reality
is, life is hard and people can change. And when couples have serious
problems that aren't solved by counseling, many experts maintain that
it's better to live happily apart than miserably together. The fact that
divorce is now a valid option is actually a good thing, according to
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D, a marriage and family therapist
in Little Rock, AR. "When you know that despite everyone's best
intentions, your partnership isn't a 100-percent given, it might
motivate you to work harder and strive toward win-win solutions," she
says
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